I’ve decided to live-blog this year’s Nathan’s 4th of July Hot Dog Eating Contest. Why? Seems like a reasonable thing to do. I mean, we’re watching it anyway, so why not? And what’s the worst that can happen? It comes out not funny? Most of my shit isn’t funny. So let’s go:
Right now they’re doing introductions. The introductions are uniformly ridiculous, augmented by the guy who’s introducing everyone being on speed. Obviously competitive eating relies on personality cults, so everyone who’s not Kobyashi or the Black Widow are trying to make one. Interesting dynamic.
Some guy just got introduced as a vegetarian who “eats meat only in championship competitions.” Really? Wtf is that supposed to mean? Hey… I’m law abiding except when I kill babies. Except then I’m not.
The dances theses people do as they cross the stage… kid of goofy, but I mean, I don’t know else what I was expecting.
Someone just walked across the stage with a sign that said “On the 7th Day, God Created Hot Dogs.” Which, given that God was resting, would explain why there’s no redeeming value to hot dogs.
Just heard a Paris Hilton/prison joke. We can’t do better than that? These announcers are mailing this shit in like me doing a live blog instead of a real post.
Kobyashi is a gamer. I think he’s been posturing the whole time with the arthritic jaw thing…
Joey Chestnut claims to not have eaten in 2 days. Strategy, sure… but I mean, if I hadn’t eaten in 2 days, I don’t know that I’d chase it with 60 hot dogs… wow.
START
The scantily dressed chicks in the back holding up signs are a nice touch.
This is disgusting… I just have to reiterate that.
Kobyashi looks fine, I guess. I have no concept of how you’re supposed to look when you’re force feeding yourself hot dogs. But he seems okay.
Oh no! Kobyashi is slowing…
This old guy… if my dad ever wants to do this, I will forcibly prevent him from doing so.
I love the guy with head phones on. Someone called this a sport before, and while I don’t think people really think this is a sport, that brings up a great point. Anything that you can do in which wearing large headphones connected to a music player does not impede you, is not a sport. Even golf (which is not a sport) would be difficult if you were listening to music because you’re twisting.
Apparently Kobyashi doesn’t have a gag reflex… … Good to know if I ever, you know, want really good head from a dude.
There are styles called “clearing” and “chip-munking.” Chip-munking sounds kind of pedophillic. I don’t know why. Also, the knowledge of hot dog speed eating strategies is something that will never be useful to me at all, for any reason.
Announcer: “You google ‘hero’ tomorrow and you’ll get Abe Lincoln, maybe Neil Armstrong, Taylor Hicks, and now, Joey Chestnut.” Um, I don’t think so. Except maybe now that I wrote it, this will come up. You’re a fucker, btw. Although bonus points for using “google” as a verb.
4 mins to go, Chestnut at 50, Kobyashi 2 back.
Chestnut is bouncing around like he’s on a pogo stick… apparently it’s so he can use his abs to crush down the stuff in his stomach. Right-o.
Kobyashi is even now… I feel like he’s going to win.
They just did a close-up of Chestnut’s mouth. I really, really didn’t need to see that.
$20,000 is on the line here… Coincidence? I think not. Obviously the winner should buy that chick’s virginity. That would be kind of a sick double. Eat 60 dogs, have sex without throwing up. I don’t think it could be done.
Kobyashi is chewing, spitting back into his hand, and re-eating. NASTY.
TIME
Kobyashi might have just thrown up.
No… he pretty much did.
But he’s trying to put it back in his mouth so he doesn’t get DQ’d.
I just threw up a little bit watching that.
Announcer watching the video of Kobyashi throwing up and trying to hold it in with his hands: “Oh that’s off-putting.” No kidding. This announcer is like my new favorite guy ever.
They’ve reviewed the tapes… They didn’t DQ Kobyashi, but only gave him 63. Chestnut has won with 66.
Chestnut’s now parading around with an American flag… And he’s won “the mustard yellow belt.”
And he’s won $20,000… given that this is the biggest competitive eating event that I know of, and that the purses for all other ones are probably less than that, how does anyone make a living doing this?
The official Hot Dog mascot looks like a herpes sore.
Announcer: “This is a great day for America.”
I couldn’t agree more. It’s like VJ-Day all over again.
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Well thanks for hanging out… this was kind of fun. We may have to start live-blogging stuff more often.
July 4, 2007 at 1:24 pm
Announcer hyperbole is a Nathan’s staple and my 2nd-favorite thing about the competition. Every year they push it a little farther. I’ve heard so many Kobayashi-Michael Jordan comparisons over the years that when someone bests him, the only thing they can do is compare him to non-sports greats. “The entire world…the entire free world is watching these two men right now!”
All the competitive eaters do this as a hobby, I believe, though Kobayashi could make a living off it if he has endorsement deals in Japan. Joey Chestnut, naturally, is a civil engineer.
What you neglected to put in your blog is that this was the most exciting competition since the US Open. Chestnut eating 20 in the first two minutes was absurd; Kobayashi playing through the pain with his (justifiably) arthritic jaw was excellent, and the race to the finish was thrilling. Plus they both demolished the old record. After 5 years of watching this competition, I can safely say I don’t have a gag reflex anymore.
July 4, 2007 at 9:21 pm
Kobayashi definitely makes a living eating competitively. I’ve heard his annual salary (endorsements included) estimated as high as 500K. I shit you not. Plus, you get free whatever type of food you’re consuming whenever you win, so I bet he saves a ton on food.
July 7, 2007 at 9:47 pm
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