What Are You Googling? (3)

I haven’t done this in awhile, but that has not been for lack of material. So, may I present to you, a special two-week edition of What Are You Googling?

“i hate tony larussa”

Yes. I do as well. You will always be welcome here with open arms. Tony LaRussa’s (hey, did you notice that I typed his name wrong for the entire live-blog?) idiocy knows no bounds. Unfortunately, owing to his stellar (and entirely undeserved) reputation for being a good manager, we may never see the end of him. Oh well.

“alfonso soriano skinny” and “mccarver 160 soriano” (many variations)

Continuing with the All-Star game theme, I’m glad to say that there were many people besides me who realized that Alfonso Soriano doesn’t hit 40 home runs a year and weigh 155 or 160, as McCarver claimed. That was fucking stupid. Come on. Fuck you Tim McCarver. (Aside, for those who care… ESPN’s player card for Soriano lists him at 180.)

“they have went”

This person was led here because I quoted someone from a wrestling message board concerning the “death” of the esteemed king of douche, Vincent McMahon. I in no way condone this type of grammar or syntax. And if this was a result of a grammar argument between two people and they typed it into google to see who was right and resolve the issue, well they’re both stupid. Nobody has went anywhere. They might have gone somewhere, but they sure as hell didn’t “went.” Damn.

“durham police suck”

No sir. I have always found the Durham police to be quite helpful. In fact, a couple weeks ago, I found myself utterly lost in a very not so fun part of Durham to be lost in at night, and was assisted most graciously by a Durham police officer. It is only the Duke police who suck. Slight difference.

“AMERICANS DON’T VALUE VIRGINITY” and “male virginity unattractive”

Um… alright then. I don’t really know what to say about these. For the first one, though, chill with the caps lock. I don’t understand people who use caps lock all the time. It weirds me out. And also, negates the purpose of using capital letters in the first place (to draw attention to or place emphasis on something). If everything is in caps, then you may as well have nothing in caps. And as for the second one, I’m going to just leave that alone.

“catching herpes from having sex once” and “gential herpes by holding hands”

Two different sorts of stupid here. First, you absolutely can get herpes from having sex once, if you have it with someone who has herpes. I don’t know why you would have sex with someone who has herpes, but if that’s your thing, cool, just know you might get herpes. I’ve never understood people who wonder about how often you have to have sex to expose oneself to an STD. Every time you have sex people… it’s pretty logical.

The second one though… I mean, unless your partner has herpes, rubs her hand in the open sores, then directly afterwards holds hands with you, after which you then take your hand and rub it all over your skin… I assume that nobody does this, but then again, I also thought that nobody would be stupid enough to think you could get genital herpes by holding hands. This is astonishing, and as good evidence as any I’ve seen that public schools are failing children in America.

“DUKE ‘KILL THEM SLOWLY’” and “KILLIN WHAT TO IN JULY 2007″

If the first person is talking about Duke University, I’m going to go ahead and say he has some unexpressed anger that he should deal with, probably with the assistance of therapy, medication, or, optimally, prison. Wtf is his problem? And the second one… hmmm. Is he looking for something to do this month and settled on “KILLIN,” and is looking for other people to join him? Really? This is getting really weird.

“clutch ‘kville’ fox”

This is like the trifecta of shittiness right here. Clutch is shitty because it doesn’t exist. There is no such thing as fucking clutch, okay? Stop it with the clutchness. “Clutch” is a figment of your imagination that results from small sample size and selective memory. Fucking stop it. “Kville” I’m taking to mean the shitty FOX show and not the wonderful tent city, and hence, is also shitty. And FOX… well, we all know how I feel about FOX. And if we don’t, let me remind you that FOX employs, besides Joe Buck and Tim McCarver, Bill O’Reilly and, I feel like, Karl Rove. So FOX is a perfect fit here.

Whoever searched this? Um… this site is probably not for you. I can only speculate, of course, but something tells me you won’t like it here. So you should just turn yourself around and navigate somewhere else… Seriously. Get the hell out of here.